Xin, I feel so alone! No one knows who I am anymore. I feel like a kid again from 9 years ago, starting fresh and not knowing anyone. Except back then I didn’t really care if I didn’t know many other hostesses. Now I’m struggling for a continuous source of inspiration and motivation. Garg.

While I was being nostalgic, I remembered I had uploaded the remains of some of my old websites to geocities. I did some hard thinking and I found it! The short blog brings back so many memories, bad coding, and people and dead domain names! Ah! How I long to know where those people are now and what they’re up to. Maybe if I get lucky and if these people search for me too, we can reunite!

• Mog, oh Moggy! I know where I can reach you and I’m so happy for it! I truely wish to see your designs again. They were always so crisp and sharp!
• Kelly/Arika of Crystal-kiwi.com. I remember our 2 person community forum and how you kept trying to update it to make it shiny!
• Angel from Simplyangel.net. I made a graphics site that drained tons of your bandwitdh. You were a great person, very nice, understanding and helpful!
• The Silveroracle.com staff, especially the owner. Sorry I forgot your name…it’s been five years now, but I wish I knew!

And then there were tons of other people I don’t quite remember. How soopa. Oh well, it’s very funny seeing the old designs and how some people used to be dumb-founded by their “pretty looks.” I keep face palming myself.

I wish you would return a hello to everyone that greets you.
The sun rises each morning, lighting up your soul.
She shines to warm up your life, but you do nothing but stalk her, orbit around her, using her for a frame of reference.
You are always two-faced in her lonely relationship.
She burns for you, for the life you create.
But the life you carry is full of death.
It is short, flooded with misery, and only small signs of hope.
When you dance, buildings fall and people fear your aura.
Is Mother Nature taking good care of you?
Are you sick?
Are the people being kind to you
Or can you no longer handle life any longer?
Hello, world,
Can you hear the whispers that seek your answers?

I’m so bad at life.

I can only remember all of the terrible things that once happened. I tend to reflect more on the negative things in life than the positive. Most of these memories remind me of how stupid and embarrassing I am to myself. I pretend to wrench my forehead or stab myself to death when I think of my dumb actions or speeches. Why do I do so many things wrong? Why are some memories easier to remember than others? And why are all of the bad ones stronger than the good ones? I have many positive memories that I remember once in a while but not nearly as often as bad. I think negativities impact me oceans more than the good things in life.

I was going to ask if this was abnormal but I guess everyone’s built differently. I feel like an empty shell with no greater purpose in life but to be filled with empty memories every once in a while.

A friend once said that happiness is something you remember and not necessarily something you experience in real time. I long for more of these happy memories. I always seem to walk right past them or maybe they can’t find me. I’ve been told that I run away from it too. Do I truly realize what I am doing when I do so? I did create a few new ones this summer though, but only with the help of others. Its sad to say that I can’t recall many other “happy times” than these new ones.

I can’t seem to do anything by myself anymore. Should I be ashamed? Or is it a good thing I’m beginning to realize that life is better with other people around… even though I dislike “people”. I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as I have those select few people I trust with my secrets and my life.